When the unexpected hits

For the last few months since I started somatic exercises to reset the Vagus Nerve I haven’t experienced any of the daily anxiety symptoms that had plagued me previously. Then yesterday evening as I was about to go to bed, there they were. I woke up this morning feeling those symptoms starting to creep in. I employed the techniques that I have been practising and sure enough the symptoms have subsided and I’ve been able to move through much smoother than before. I have spoken about what I use to help before – somatic exercises, daily affirmations, a gratitude journal and so on. Yet as I felt those symptoms I started to look deeper and reflect on what could have caused this sudden surge of symptoms to reappear.

There were a few things this could have been. I wouldn’t rule out a spiritual attack. Myself and a few of the ladies from the church I attend are starting a bible study where we can deep dive into The Word so it is possible there could be some opposition to this, however, it didn’t ring true. I always seek out Holy Spirits knowledge when I am reflecting for guidance and wisdom.

I also thought as there are some significant anniversary dates this month that I know will be difficult but again I have prepared ahead of time for those and having had others already this month I was sure this wasn’t the cause of sudden symptoms.

I drove into town and back by myself for the first time since last April. I love driving. I especially love turning up the music on loud whilst there’s no one else in the car to complain. I’d been gifted some Brandon Lake music for my birthday so I was happily singing (no-one could hear me so why not) at full blast and really really enjoyed it. So why did I narrow it down to this particular thing being the reason for the sudden onset of those symptoms which seem so familiar to me.

The answer lies in the driving I used to do, where I used to go, how I used to feel about who I was going to see. Up until I did a deep dive into healing my nervous system this last year I ignored much of what my body was telling me. I didn’t recognise the symptoms. I can see in hindsight that my body was trying to tell me something. I’d spent years “holding my breath” around people and walking on eggshells, being who I thought people wanted me to be rather than my true self.

I’m not saying all this to gain sympathy but just to say our bodies tell us when something doesn’t feel right. A bit like the hackles rising on the back of your neck when there’s some wild creature watching you and you can feel it. Your body is getting ready to prepare you for fight or flight should the need arise. The issue I had was – I was so used to feeling those feelings. I’d grown up being in a constant fight or flight response, living in survival mode, that those feelings were familiar. I suppose I really expected to feel them, like they were almost a given. We need to trust our instinct. I like to think of it as the Holy Spirit inside giving us a warning against what is not for us.

It is interesting to me that actually the unfamiliar is what I needed.

I needed to experience what I had not experienced before. I remember last year I was going through a really difficult time and me being me didn’t share it with anyone. As a family we went to a conference and 2 ladies we knew saw me, gave me the biggest hugs and looked so pleased to see me and genuinely interested in what I had to say. That’s something I hadn’t experienced in so long. People looking genuinely full of joy when they see me like they really are actually pleased I am there. I’m tearing up just writing this because it meant so much to me to actually feel welcomed by someone in that way. We need those experiences. We can’t heal interpersonal trauma outside of relationships. Through healthy relationships we can learn what those look like. We can begin to receive the same grace, mercy and compassion for ourselves that we pour out to others. We can be truthful in safe relationships and begin to heal those old trauma wounds that have us acting out of character.

The things that happened to us were not our fault, we did not deserve what happened. Healing, however, is our responsibility. It is on us to heal. Even when we go to therapy and access services that can help us, it is up to us to put those daily practices in place. Much like renewing our minds to the Word of God – that work is ours to do.

Through healing trauma and using tools and techniques to help my body feel safe I have learnt a valuable lesson. That lesson is that I am not healing to never feel those symptoms again. The goal is not to never feel anxiety or be free from fear. I know that we are not promised a life free of trials. In fact, we should expect them, especially when you live your life for Jesus, those arrows will come. We do have everything we need in Jesus. And sometimes, part of that everything is knowing Jesus is right there with us whilst we feel those feelings. I had taken on anxiety and all the other traumas I have experienced as part of my identity. It takes a long time to shake that off. I know now that I may struggle with those things but they are not a part of who I am. I am learning who I really am for the first time. I am starting to live unapologetically and authentically as me. It will lose me people but it will also gain me the ones who will love me for who I really am and I get the privilege of loving them back.

The real hack is being able to feel all those symptoms and feelings and not have it bring you crumbling to the floor. You can still thrive in life whilst working through those feelings. It does not have to stop you from living the life God has planned for you.

So knowing that it is likely driving to places alone that have caused these symptoms to come up, because my body doesn’t know I am not going to a particular place or to see a particular person, what will I do to regulate my nervous system and get back to the point where I am able to drive freely and not have these symptoms come against me so strong. It may seem counter-intuitive but I will keep driving. I suppose it’s a bit like the desensitisation process. We can’t teach our bodies to feel safe if we keep avoiding the very thing that we are struggling with. That will just validate and embed the very thing you are trying to heal. I will take shorter journeys. I will go to places that have before felt very unsafe, not because the place itself was not safe, but for other reasons. I will allow my body to feel those symptoms. I will prepare beforehand through visualisation, somatic practices and affirmations which I will continue to do throughout and afterwards too. In time driving will not cause those symptoms to appear any more as I have trained my body to know that it is safe.

If you are someone that suffers with anxiety, or perhaps other symptoms of mental health that you struggle with, give yourself some grace and compassion. It takes resilience, bravery, grace, honesty, courage, strength and a whole heap of Holy Spirit to walk the path of healing from trauma. You are doing so well, keep going, every step is a step forward. You can do this. Many Blessings.