Walking Through Grief

This coming weekend will mark 19 years since my mother-in-law died and also 13 years since our first miscarriage. Grief. It is something that we carry with us for the rest of our lives from the first time we experience it. It isn’t there in the same intensity as before but it sits with us always. Some days we barely even notice it’s presence and then other days –there may be a smell of perfume, a place that holds a special memory, or a favourite snack – it can hit us like a brick and we feel overwhelming emotion as the impact of the loss we suffered resurfaces.

Grief is a natural reaction to losing something we love, it can bring great sadness and pain and the aftershocks can be felt years later. The experience can be different for everyone but it is something everyone will walk through at some point in their life. I feel society today is getting a little better at being more open in talking about grief and giving people the space they need to feel their sadness and pain and process it in a healthy way. We often don’t have access to the tools we need to enable us to do this. I know social media can get a bad reputation and in some cases that is justified, but I know in my case social media has given me access to tools that have greatly impacted the healing process for me, that I would otherwise not have had access to. I have also learnt in my own healing journey that what is hidden away in the dark places causes more hurt and pain and gives the enemy ground in the way he operates to isolate us from community and attack our identity in Jesus. That which we can bring into the light has the opportunity to be healed. Sharing with the people you trust removes isolation and enables others to stand with you and support you when you need them the most. Walking through grief is one of the times where we need to be less concerned with what other people will think about the way we do things, or carry ourselves or how we choose to heal and process our grief. Do what you need to do for you. Whatever you are feeling, examine in, pray through it, talk to God about it, seek His comfort. There is no rush to get to the other side of grief. Avoiding how you really feel will prolong the time you are sitting with the overwhelming parts of grief where you are unable to function in daily life. In time, working through your grief, you will get to a place where you are able to thrive in daily life.

I’ve also learnt how harmful toxic positivity can be – and church, sadly, can be a place where toxic positivity thrives. I know people mean well when the say, “they’re in a better place now”, “it was there time” or “God needed another angel”. Whatever the statement might be, regardless of how true it is. What people really need to hear is, “that’s so hard, can I sit with you a while?”

Allow yourself the grace to be sad. To cry – our tears contain stress hormones and when you cry you are literally shedding the stress out of your body. It is healing. It is okay to feel those emotions. And it is okay if you don’t. Do not put pressure on yourself to do anything other that what is absolutely necessary. Or to feel a certain way about yourself because your grieving process is different that someone else.

It is so important to feel our grief and process it, as it is with any emotion we go through. Make time to remember. Hold onto hope and let God comfort you. There’s no time frame to when you must feel like yourself again. You’ll never be the version of you that you were. You’ll be a new version of you, not better or worse, just different as you learn to move forward.

We live in hope knowing that we will see our loved ones that also loved Jesus again. We will spend all of eternity with them. And instead of each day feeling as though we are moving further and further away from them, we can think of it as each day moving one step closer to when we will see them again. One step closer to when full restoration of humanity will take place, one step closer to a world without sin and only love and light.

In this life we do not go through anything that Jesus himself has not experienced. He knows what we go through because he has personally experienced it. Grief will always be a part of life. It is the part that reminds us of the cost of love. It is the price we pay for love. To know love is to know grief.

I cannot even imagine the grief God must’ve felt in sending his Son to the cross. Hearing his Son cry out, “Eloi,Eloi, lema sabachthani?” Which means “My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me” At the precise moment when God turned his back because he could not bear to look. The pain he must have felt. God knew that this had to happen. This was his solution to fix what had been broken. There was no other way. That sacrifice. Even though he knew what it meant for the world. Even though he is outside of time and he knows the way this ends. Even though – he still felt deep pain, sadness, grief.

Your creator understands, he will comfort you, he knows. He isn’t asking you to rush back to some kind of a “normal” life or what ever society thinks of as normal. You can let your shoulders drop, relax and breathe, without any expectation of having to perform for others.

This next weekend is going to be a hard weekend, because for the last few decades I have pushed through, been living in survival mode and working through trauma. I’ve put a lot of working into healing these last twelve months and am doing really well but this year. This is the year I will really allow myself to feel the grief of losing my Mother-in-Law – because she was another safe place and safe person for me. The pain of losing a baby in the womb that would’ve now been 12 years old. I will give myself the time and space needed on that day. We will do something as a family to celebrate the memories, to celebrate everything God has brought us through to bring us to this moment and to look forward in hope to the time when we will all be reunited again.