An Honest Conversation

No-one talks about how utterly exhausting it is to work through trauma healing. How memories and flashbacks hijack your nervous system to a point you are unable to move. Even though mental health is talked about, I feel it still misses the mark.

I’ve seen how the systems we have in place just are not able to cope with the demand – and this demand is from those who are actively seeking healing. There are many more who suffer in silence. People say it’s okay to not be okay and that you should reach out if you are feeling unwell. But what happens, when you do reach out, you do go to the doctors, you do get a referral for help but then you’re left waiting, and waiting, and waiting, often for years before you are able to access treatment. If you are blessed financially you may be able to access treatment privately, but even this can fall apart.

There are many many layers to the trauma that I am dealing with but the one trauma that affects me multiple times daily, the one that I really want to work through and heal from was the one that a private psychiatrist offering me EMDR sessions told me he could do no more for me. He was at a ‘blind alley’ and could no longer help. I understand why and I’m not angry at this person personally. I know if it was me I probably would not want to take the risk either. As the person on the receiving end, it was horrific. I was making progress, finding some mental strength to move forward and then the rug was pulled from under me. My heart goes out to every person who has mental health struggles. It is not enough to stick a bible verse on it like a plaster and expect that to be enough. That may sound harsh, yet the shame that I have found from what I have been through has been more prevalent in the church that it has outside church walls.

When I was 17 and going through a particularly rough time. I was in hospital because my body was reacting to everything I ate (there’s a longer history to this but I won’t go into that here) and when I say everything my diet at the time consisted of a drink called Fresubin (drinks with vitamins and minerals) and antihistamine pills. That was all. I was down to around 6 stone in weight – maybe. I was in hospital for around 3 weeks and for the first 5 days on a water only diet. Then after this I was slowly and steadily weaned like a baby until my diet was steady enough to return home and continue trialling new foods at home. I was given peanuts in hospital before I left and then sent on my way. I returned to hospital for a double blind food trial where foods were disguised in pureed broccoli and reactions were measured. All of this was trauma in itself but by this point I had already been molested by a family member and sworn to secrecy. I’m sure if the doctors had been made aware of this then perhaps the treatment plan would’ve been different. I do know that my parents refused a psychiatrist for me and also other paediatricians that may have been able to help in my healing. I know this because I obtained my medical records – even the doctors were walking on eggshells around my parents.

In all of this the only thing that got me through was Jesus. And I don’t say that flippantly. I really do not know if I would be alive today if it wasn’t for being able to pour my heart out in prayer and trust in God when I had nothing else to trust in. I’ve seen God do the miraculous, I’ve been witness to it personally. I remember getting day release from hospital to go to church. I’m sure the lady was well-meaning – perhaps. She asked why I didn’t want to eat. I used to get that a lot, people mistaking what I was going through for anorexia. I remember the times when my throat closed up and if it hadn’t been for my Inhaler I’m not sure how different the story would’ve been or if I would have been here to tell it.

Being in church and dealing with mental health needs to be handled well so as not to cause further trauma. If you’re dealing with anxiety and someone says, you need to get over that and recites a verse to you. It’s not helpful in the moment. In fact it can bring more shame, because behind the scenes you are already praying every day, putting your faith in God and doing all you can to heal and not have to deal with the anxiety. It’s much more supportive to tell someone how hard this must be for them with genuine concern and you will stand with them that this won’t last forever.

There are so many people out there who have been through trauma and either don’t acknowledge it, suppress it, feel ashamed by it, especially if you’re a Christian and you’re supposed to have enough faith to receive your healing.

What I can say, and I only speak for myself, is that the lessons I have learnt in the suffering are like gold dust. I could not have learnt them if I had not walked through the fires of suffering. I will also say that Jesus was right there in the suffering with me. I know that nothing bad I have ever been through was caused by God. I also know that any good to come out of it was a blessing from heaven. I’ve seen God’s hand on my life. What’s interesting is that we are often told to have more faith. And yet, it was in a time of extreme doubt where I received a miracle. I had been diagnosed with secondary infertility. I asked my husband if we should turn to adoption. I wasn’t sure I could keep going through the pain that occurs every month. It was my son that held faith for me at that time. We found out we were pregnant 4.5 years after our miscarriage and I think around 2 years after that diagnosis. I would have to check our letters to confirm those dates. I prayed but I’m not sure I was in faith. I doubted, I was afraid – and yet God came through. His plan for my life was greater than any doubt or fear that I carried.

Knowing this, the choice that I make whilst I go through this healing journey and renewing my mind, taking every thought captive, is I choose to praise. I choose gratitude. This choices need to be intentional. We are in a fight. We stand on the side of victory. That stand isn’t apathetic. It’s taking ground and even in times where we don’t feel like we’re moving forward, to stand firm takes some inner resolve. We need to know who we are in Christ and the authority that we carry as believers. When the enemy tries to shame you, you can speak back in confidence.

I’m not sure I will ever be able to accurately describe what it is really like to live with Complex-PTSD. Those of you who also live with this diagnosis will understand more than anyone because it is also your lived experience.

The last year has been a particularly steep learning curve for me as I have stopped suppressing and avoiding and starting to face head on the gravity of what I have been through in my life. I believe I read somewhere that everything resurfaces when your child reaches the age you were at the time of your trauma. Interestingly enough my daughter is around the age I was when I first experienced trauma (that I can remember) in my life. So yes, this has been true for me as the last year or so has been so hard. It’s been one of the hardest I’ve been through, mentally and physically. I believe part of this is because now I’m actually allowing myself to feel which I’ve never done before.

I’m going to list all the symptoms that I experience as part of my diagnosis. It’s not something I share with many people which is intertwined as part of the diagnosis. I’m hoping this will give an idea of what daily life can be like for those of us with a mental health diagnosis. It’s invisible but a lot of the symptoms can also be physical. I’m also hoping that people who are suffering with a mental illness find a safe place where they can share what reality is like and be met with grace and love and find healing. We can thrive in spite of a diagnosis that the world has given us. It is hard work, healing is hard work, it takes effort. Much like renewing your mind to the Word of God. It doesn’t happen without effort.

Complex-PTSD is similar to PTSD but rather than a result of a one-time event it is the result of trauma that is prolonged, repeated and usually interpersonal. It is about surviving an environment that conditioned you to abandon yourself. You choose (not by choice but out of survival) attachment over authenticity. There isn’t really a you before the trauma so healing can be discovering who you were always supposed to be, but you have no reference for who that is. All you’ve ever known is a version of you who lived in survival mode.

Complex-PTSD is an acquired neurodivergence and many symptoms are similar to the neurodivergent brain. Here is a list of all the things that I have either experienced during my life or I’m currently struggling with – it’s not an exhaustive list. It’s Complex for a reason.

– Cricketing – This is a powerful trauma soothing response. The body repeats the motion of rubbing the feet together to create a pleasant distraction from non-stop thoughts. This is something I often find myself doing in bed a night and I didn’t realise this is what it was until I did some research. It was an “ah” moment as it finally made sense as to why I do that and why it helps to calm me when insomnia hits.

– Focus – Struggles with focusing is threat driven, attention is unconsciously pulled toward potential danger or emotional triggers

– Emotional Dysregulation – emotions feel overwhelming because they’re unpredictable due to triggers

– Sensory Sensitivity – due to heightened nervous system responses, making certain stimuli feel threatening or triggering.

– Impulsivity – driven by emotional dysregulation acting out of survival mode, self-sabotage, or using risky behaviours as a coping mechanism.

– Task Management – difficulty is rooted in fear of failure or perfectionism, leading to procrastination or avoidance.

– Rejection Sensitivity – tied to attachment wounds, where past trauma makes rejection feel like abandonment or a threat to safety.

– Relationship Struggles – these stem from emotional wounds, trust issues or attachment trauma affecting how safety and connection are experienced.

– Memory – due to trauma related dissociation, where the brain suppresses distressing memories or creates gaps in recall

– Overcommitting – this happens due to a fear of rejection, needing to prove worth or avoiding conflict.

– Re-experiencing flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive thoughts

– Avoidance – Staying clear of reminders of the trauma

– Negative Mood – Guilt, Shame, Numbness, Hopelessness

– Hyperarousal – Irritability, difficulty sleeping, hyper-vigilance.

– Emotional Dysregulation

– Negative Self-Concept

– Interpersonal Difficulties

– Dissociation

– Chronic Sense of Helplessness

– Panic / Anxiety attacks

– Breath Withholding

I have to remember my body is not overreacting – it’s remembering. My body remembers particular anniversary dates before my mind does. It remembers what it feels like to be blamed, ignored, abandoned and unsafe. It shows up in emotions and sensations – racing heart, nausea, exhaustion, shame, fear, grief that feels much bigger than the moment. It can be overwhelming. Sometimes things that I thought I had worked through and were okay with pop up and what was a good day for me is suddenly full of overwhelm and dysregulation. A recent one for this is that I seem to have acquired a particular sensitivity to smell that I’ve not had for years but within this it has brought to mind certain traumas that I had blocked out and now I’m having to work through those. Sometimes it feels like the Holy Spirit is nudging me saying, “you’re ready to deal with this one now.”

I’m extremely inquisitive and will search my own mind for answers and reasons. I’ve always grown up aware of others peoples emotions, body language, intonation and I naturally automatically assess all of this in every interaction. This is my body scanning for threat, it’s a survival instinct that my body learnt to stay safe. What I find hard to do is understand if the conclusions I arrive at are accurate discernments. There have been many times in the last year where I ignored what my body was telling me. I thought it was just my anxious self trying to tell me I wasn’t safe. I thought I was training my body to feel safe when actually I should’ve listened to it. Our body knows, our bodies did everything they did to protect us and keep us safe, we can trust them to tell us when something feels off.

I was praised for being the easy one, the strong one, the good one. The one who never made a fuss. No one knew what was happening to me at home. I hid behind the smiles. When I did try and disclose to a medical professional they insisted that my parents were good people and wouldn’t hear anything otherwise. I’m not here to say that they aren’t good people or to blame them. However, not allowing me to disclose that they had sworn me to secrecy over the molestation I had experienced was enabling abuse to continue. I should have had support and I had no-one to turn to. I would encourage everyone, not to be unnecessarily cautious, but just carry an awareness that it could happen to anyone and no one is exempt from causing abuse just because the outside world views them as good people. Pray for discernment. I would always always advocate for being over cautious.

In saying all this and being honest and transparent about what daily life is like for me and how I hope that church handles people who are walking through trauma with more care. This isn’t all I am and if you are walking through healing trauma yourself you can thrive. Your diagnosis is not your identity and you can still walk in the purpose and calling God has placed on your life whilst navigating the path you currently find yourself on.

If I’ve learnt anything at all on this healing journey is how much I have to protect my peace. How much I have to advocate for myself. How much I need to actually put my own needs first.

God is walking every step with you, he is always always listening, he is not rushing you. On the days when you can’t even move he will sit with you and hold you. If we focus more on being in relationship with God, in gratitude and praise, there is so much healing there.